Me: 10. Brittney: 0.
Maisy was incredibly fussy on Monday. If she was awake, she was screaming. After a few hours of this, crying seemed like a pretty good idea to me too, so I joined her and we cried together until Aaron came home.
After a day like that, I had to do something to convince myself that I really am a pretty decent mother. And what better way to make yourself feel more confident than to compare yourself with someone who is arguably the worst mother in the world? Here's a list I created of all the ways I make a better mother than Brittney Spears:
1. I am always sure to wear my underwear when I go out in public. I may not have showered, but I do have my drawers on.
2. I would never give a lackluster performance at the VMA's. Any performances I give are always chock-full of luster.
3. I don't drive my '97 Corolla around town running red lights while texting people.
4. Cheetos are not one of the food groups and have no place in the diet of a two year old.
5. I don't serve my mother with papers banning her from seeing her grandchild. I have the good sense to recognize free, quality child care when I see it.
6. I don't take my child to the Four Seasons Hotel for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on Thanksgiving. I do like everyone else does: stress about making green bean casserole for three weeks ahead of time, make thirty-five phone calls to my sister to discuss who's on the outs with who this year and how to work that into the seating arrangement, then spend Thanksgiving morning crying and swearing at a turkey that's still partially frozen.
7. If I take my baby out in the car, she's securely strapped into a car seat. I'm "country", too, and my father also let me drive on his lap - from one end of the driveway to the other. Not on a highway going 75 mph.
8. If you see a look of strain on my baby's face, it's because she has gas. Not because she's spending the day with me.
9. Although not a health expert, I do recognize that filling a child's bottle with coke is not good for him in many, many ways.
10. My mothering skills don't make people say, "I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I sure hope K-Fed gets custody of those kids!"
I feel better already.
After a day like that, I had to do something to convince myself that I really am a pretty decent mother. And what better way to make yourself feel more confident than to compare yourself with someone who is arguably the worst mother in the world? Here's a list I created of all the ways I make a better mother than Brittney Spears:
1. I am always sure to wear my underwear when I go out in public. I may not have showered, but I do have my drawers on.
2. I would never give a lackluster performance at the VMA's. Any performances I give are always chock-full of luster.
3. I don't drive my '97 Corolla around town running red lights while texting people.
4. Cheetos are not one of the food groups and have no place in the diet of a two year old.
5. I don't serve my mother with papers banning her from seeing her grandchild. I have the good sense to recognize free, quality child care when I see it.
6. I don't take my child to the Four Seasons Hotel for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on Thanksgiving. I do like everyone else does: stress about making green bean casserole for three weeks ahead of time, make thirty-five phone calls to my sister to discuss who's on the outs with who this year and how to work that into the seating arrangement, then spend Thanksgiving morning crying and swearing at a turkey that's still partially frozen.
7. If I take my baby out in the car, she's securely strapped into a car seat. I'm "country", too, and my father also let me drive on his lap - from one end of the driveway to the other. Not on a highway going 75 mph.
8. If you see a look of strain on my baby's face, it's because she has gas. Not because she's spending the day with me.
9. Although not a health expert, I do recognize that filling a child's bottle with coke is not good for him in many, many ways.
10. My mothering skills don't make people say, "I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I sure hope K-Fed gets custody of those kids!"
I feel better already.
posted by SHANNON & AARON TUCKER at 3:30 PM
2 Comments:
Heee! Good list! Sorry about the crying -- I know both Cole & Harper had those "witching hours" where they wouldn't stop crying and I thought I'd go insane.
Love the way you write. Ever thought about writing one of those humorous autobiographical art books??? I'd buy it.
And speaking of buying it. I hope you don't "buy it" on plane, diet coke or no diet coke!!!!
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