Me: 10. Brittney: 0.

Maisy was incredibly fussy on Monday. If she was awake, she was screaming. After a few hours of this, crying seemed like a pretty good idea to me too, so I joined her and we cried together until Aaron came home.

After a day like that, I had to do something to convince myself that I really am a pretty decent mother. And what better way to make yourself feel more confident than to compare yourself with someone who is arguably the worst mother in the world? Here's a list I created of all the ways I make a better mother than Brittney Spears:

1. I am always sure to wear my underwear when I go out in public. I may not have showered, but I do have my drawers on.

2. I would never give a lackluster performance at the VMA's. Any performances I give are always chock-full of luster.

3. I don't drive my '97 Corolla around town running red lights while texting people.

4. Cheetos are not one of the food groups and have no place in the diet of a two year old.

5. I don't serve my mother with papers banning her from seeing her grandchild. I have the good sense to recognize free, quality child care when I see it.

6. I don't take my child to the Four Seasons Hotel for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on Thanksgiving. I do like everyone else does: stress about making green bean casserole for three weeks ahead of time, make thirty-five phone calls to my sister to discuss who's on the outs with who this year and how to work that into the seating arrangement, then spend Thanksgiving morning crying and swearing at a turkey that's still partially frozen.

7. If I take my baby out in the car, she's securely strapped into a car seat. I'm "country", too, and my father also let me drive on his lap - from one end of the driveway to the other. Not on a highway going 75 mph.

8. If you see a look of strain on my baby's face, it's because she has gas. Not because she's spending the day with me.

9. Although not a health expert, I do recognize that filling a child's bottle with coke is not good for him in many, many ways.

10. My mothering skills don't make people say, "I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I sure hope K-Fed gets custody of those kids!"

I feel better already.

Here's What Four Hours of Sleep a Night Will Do To You

Aaron and I have sunk to a new low. After countless nights of little to no sleep and few opportunities to leave the house, we found ourselves watching "Cheaters" tonight on tv. And it was a gem. For all you fellow low-lifes out there, here's the jist:

Tanya has been dating Dwight for a few months when she begins to suspect he is cheating on her. With her mother, no less. What ensues is white trash at its whitest trashiest. Tanya, via Cheaters, sets up a hidden camera in the home she shares with her mother and father. Just as she suspected, Mommie Dearest is canoodling with good old Dwight. Many scenes are pixellated out, much to the dismay, I'm sure, of Cheaters viewers everywhere. Tanya must work up the courage to face her mother, and the Cheaters host is there to help her, every step of the way. He gives Tanya lots of back pats, for instance.

When Tanya enters her house, she immediately confronts her mother and Dwight. Dwight, who appears to have the IQ of a mayonnaise sandwich, stands with mouth agape. Behind him on the wall is a painting probably bought in front of a gas station. Chaos abounds, and Tanya's father, who appears to be drunk, comes out of a back bedroom and begins to soundly curse all involved. When he finds out what happened, he goes for Mayo Boy and proceeds to pound the crap out of him.

We had to turn the channel at this point, ashamed of our voyerism. Two minutes later, we just happened to be flipping by again and were astounded to see Tanya's dad being hauled out of the house on a stretcher. I guess he had some kind of heart condition, and finding out his wife was cheating on him with his daughter's boyfriend was just too much.

Parenting is tough. Strangely, I'll go to bed tonight feeling slightly better about my mothering skills.