If you hate automated voice systems, press 3

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out why my health insurance suddenly decided to charge me $42.90 for a prescription for which I've previously paid only $25.00. I called the toll-free number listed on the back of my card for help.

The automated voice of a slightly uptight midwestern woman answered on the fourth ring. She told me she'd be glad to help me and pleasantly asked that I begin by saying or punching in my group plan number. Here's what ensued after I did so:

Automated Voice (AV): "I'm sorry. I did not understand you. Please say or enter your group plan number."

Me: 0567843 (not my real number, for all you insurance fraud people out there)

AV: "I heard you say: 0567843. Is that correct? Say 'yes' or 'no'."

Me: "Yes."

AV: "Okay. I have all your information in front of me." (I found it hard to believe that a talking computer could have all my information in front of her, but went along with the farce.)

AV: "What do you want to do?"

Me: "Uhhhh, talk to someone about my prescription charges?"

AV: "I'm sorry, I did not understand you. What do you want to do? You can choose from the following options.." and she proceeded to lead me through a long list of options that had nothing to do with charges for prescriptions.

Me (hoping to simplify things for her): "Prescription. PRE-SCRIP-TION!"

AV: "I'm sorry, I did not understand you. If you'd like to choose from more options, say 'More Options'."

Me: "More options."

AV: "Okay. To get a list of local providers, say 'Get a list.' To check on a filled prescription, say 'Check on prescription...' " And so on and so forth. Nothing to help me figure out why I was being charged more for my prescription.

Me: "Please. Dear God. Help me. Please just let me talk to a person."

AV: "I'm sorry, I did not understand you. To assist you, I'll give you a list of things you can say. But these are not the only things you can say." (I'm not exaggerating here. She really said that.)

I suddenly remembered from past experience with other AV's that I could go straight to a CSR by pressing zero. I pushed zero.

AV: "You have chosen to speak with a representative. In order to connect you with the proper person, I'll need some information." And she proceeded to give the same list of options. Hoping that by pressing something, anything, I'd be connected to a live person, I pressed 4. I was then taken through another maze of questions that ended with me being added to their monthly newsletter mailing.

I began to wonder if AV was programmed to recognize swearing.

Me: "REP-RE-SEN-TA-TIVE!!! REPRESENTATIVE!!!!"

AV: ""You have chosen to speak with a representative. In order to connect you with the proper person, I'll need some information."

I wildly began punching numbers, one of which was probably zero, because suddenly a very tired and dejected-sounding AV broke in with, "Okay. I'll transfer you to a representative now."

I'd like to say that talking to a live person solved my problem. What really happened was that I was transferred to three different people, then to an entirely new company (which also had an AV working for them). After screaming at their AV, I was finally connected with a very taciturn young lady who told me the problem "probably" lay with my pharmacist, who was "probably" entering my information incorrectly into their system.

I hung up and called my local pharmacy. And got a slightly uptight midwestern female voice.